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Literature by Lil8


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Submitted on
July 24, 2005
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The air was damp and smelled of bile,
The perfect place for a dying soul
She hid behind a plastic smile,
Pretending everything was under control

Months passed by, she'd stay at home
Adding new scars everyday
She'd get high, all alone
Too blind to see herself fade away

She thought everything
Would be just fine
Thinking to herself,
Just one more time

Just one more time,
I'll puke up my guts
Just one more pill,
Just one more cut
Just one more drink,
Just one more shot
Liquor and drugs
Are all I've got


Her eyes were black,
Her bones were weak
Each day got harder
To even speak

Years passed by, and she grew older
She still tries to get away
She lived a lie, her days grew colder
Breathing one less breath each day

Still thinking
Everything was fine
Still saying to herself,
Just one more time

Just one more finger down my throat,
Just one more needle in my vein
Just one more bump, just one more line
Just one more time to ease the pain
Just one more time, I'll hurt myself
My reflection is only here to taunt me
Just on more time, I'll starve myself
Just one more time to make him want me


Too busy trying
To be perfect
She couldn't see
It wasn't worth it

Constant vomitting,
And telling herself lies
Needle holes,
And bloodshot eyes
Alcohol,
A knife, and strife
Are all she ever
Knew in life

Her doctor told her she needed help
But she insisted she didn't need any
Eventually, she killed herself
One more time was one too many
This is a collaboration I did with I wrote the poem and she did the art. She is such a talented photographer, not to mention model as well:nod: Fullview the image please And give her gallery a visit, you won't be disappointed.
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:iconxsolox:
xsolox Featured By Owner May 11, 2008
That was fantastic!!!
Reply
:iconiamtheamazingmoi:
iamtheamazingmoi Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2008
omg
Reply
:iconderkleinefreak:
DerKleineFreak Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2008
oh my goodness ..... O.O
you make me speechless, honestly ... this is my absolute favourite i think ... it's just ... brilliant ... awesome .. sorry but i just don't know what to say. i can soo totally relate to it it's nearly scary. i've also been through the most of these things already and i'm 14 .. whatever all i can say is, that poem is probably the best i've ever read ... you're amazing!!!!!
Reply
:icondarwolfsp:
DarWolfSp Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2007
A good poem to teach people about drug abuse. And you put it in perfect words!!! Yayy!
Reply
:iconthekingoffall:
TheKingofFall Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2006   Writer
I don't much like the format of this poem. You use a lot of needless repetition and you have ineffective rhymes which really frustrate. There is absolutely no symbolism and your imagery is par at best. Also, a lot of your descriptive terms are overused and tired, and lessen any impact their meanings woulds have had you used a synonym.

I'd go through and revise this, because the poem has the potential to be good, it's just not there right now.
Reply
:iconpeoplerstrange:
peopleRstrange Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2006
you are so amazing 0o. i totally look up to you for your photography. i can relate to alot of things you write.
Reply
:iconamaranthia:
Amaranthia Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2006
the descriptive narrative of the poem really renders in the reader's mind the sort of process and experience the protagonist. I'm not sure about the image tho.. the girl is too beautiful and healthily voluptuous. Unless I'm totally missing the connection here ...
Reply
:iconsoftcell72:
softcell72 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2005
I love it.
Reply
:iconrandomperson37:
RandomPerson37 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005
Wonderful again... I loved.. 'loved' the ending, and the whole poem. Amazing
Reply
:iconphilip-f1:
Philip-F1 Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2005
Great poem
Reply
:iconlove-is-pain13:
love-is-pain13 Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2005
All I can say is Amazing, Breathtaking and WOW
Reply
:iconnyaih-light:
Nyaih-Light Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2005
Very true, and it relates to a lot of people today. It is sad the way that happens, and seeing it happen is not a great sight. It is true in life, and you captured that well. It was well written. Viewing a side most people hide is not always as well said as in that piece, I just read. Thank you for that inside. I always knew that, but sometimes it needs to be seen through another's eye to truly feel its grasp.

Thank you, and many creative endeavors in D.A!
~LostSoulForever~
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks very much, I'm glad you like it:hug:
Reply
:iconnyaih-light:
Nyaih-Light Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2005
Your welcome. It's well worded about the sad truth of life. :hug:
Reply
:iconf0r3verus3d:
f0r3verUs3d Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2005
incredible..i really liked it..it reminds me of my cousin..(Purpl3Sky)
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you:heart:
Reply
:iconf0r3verus3d:
f0r3verUs3d Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2005
no problemo..haha
Reply
:iconwhitefeathered-raven:
whitefeathered-raven Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2005   Writer
...totaly know how this is (in another person). Fav.
Reply
:iconyurishortcake:
yurishortcake Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2005
that was sad. it was good
Reply
:iconnightmandl:
nightmandl Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2005
my god this is wonderful... i can never get over how talented you are
Reply
:iconnightmandl:
nightmandl Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2005
:D
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
aww thanks:love:
Reply
:iconhellblazer:
hellblazer Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2005
I like.
Reply
:icongreyestofblueskys:
Greyestofblueskys Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2005   Writer
I didnt think you had enough comments on it, so i thought id add mine: I really like it, im sure everyone knows a girl who's gone through that....well maybe not to the death part...but hey it's really good and im glad i gave it a read. /

Love and Light
Jones~
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you:hug:
Reply
:iconmalevolentirony:
malevolentirony Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2005
It's great!!!
Reply
:icondevilskitty:
DevilsKitty Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2005
this is very different from what u usually write. sumtin about the style i think.. its a very good poem tho, amazingly well written.,,,
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you:glomp:
Reply
:icondibship:
Dibship Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
ooo, such a fantastic poem! My only complaint is that it all ends abit abruptly, bit then maybe you meant it to, after all death is kind of the end :)
Reply
:iconmetroboy:
Metroboy Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2005   Writer
Great work! :) :clap:
Reply
:iconsciolism:
Sciolism Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005   Interface Designer
Your work with cliches actually works. :)
Reply
:iconwyn--:
Wyn-- Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005
Nice work :)
Reply
:iconoobrokenwingsoo:
oObrokenwingsOo Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005   Writer
WOW! im speechless!!!!! this is beyond wonderful! your an awesome writer! keep it up!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you:blowkiss:
Reply
:iconthe-beastie:
the-beastie Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
Eww, sorry for my ugly mistake up there. You of course spelt "vomitting" correctly, there are two 't's, not one. Ignore that. :)

I'm...uh...tired. Yeah. ^^
Reply
:iconthe-beastie:
the-beastie Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
Hmm, not bad at all. :) It's lyrical - have you thought of putting music to this? The repetitions of "Just one more" give it a song-like feel, and there seems to be a sort of refrain/chorus in the way the italicised sections come and go.

"The air was damp and smelled of bile,
The perfect place for a dying soul
She hid behind a plastic smile,
Pretending everything was under control
"

The word "bile" doesn't sit well with me, simply because I'm not sure if anyone would know what it smells like. Having said that, bile is usually taken to be the same thing as mucus (from the lungs or throat)...but I don't think that has much of a smell, either. However, I'm being very nick-pickety here. ;) What I did like about this stanza was your use of pararyhmes in juxtaposition with normal rhyming. You've got bile and and smile and in between these, soul and control. The close nature of these rhymes sets off an immediate sense of uneasiness in the poem and creates the right mood instantly.

The rhythm and pace throughout the poem is pretty good, although in some parts the flow seems to become a little jagged due to the amount of syllables in a line. This could be corrected by perhaps reading some sections through out loud and seeing if there are any places that could use to lose or gain a syllable in order to correct the flow. Irritating work and another nick-pickety point, but it can really improve a poem if the whole thing reads easily and smoothly. Adding or taking away punctuation in some places might also help.

The imagery was very good; you create a strong sense of reality - particularly by addressing such a widely known (and very real) issue. Many writers seem to tackle this sort of theme in their poetry, but normally end up with a messy collection of cliché or (so much the worse) a very emo piece. You've refrained from doing so, and you keep the reader interested by changing the pace of the poem, using fast italicised sections/refrains.

"Her eyes were black,
Her bones were weak
Each day got harder
To even speak
"

I liked this stanza up until the fourth line, where it suddenly seemed to become very forced, disrupting the flow. "To even speak" is bad grammar, and I'm sure with some re-wording you could make it work much better. :) Other than that, this was well-written: the monosyllabic lines give it force and an emphatic drive, the language here is well chosen.

"Constant vomitting,
And telling herself lies
Needle holes,
And bloodshot eyes
Alcohol,
A knife, and strife
Are all she ever
Knew in life
"

Some nice internal rhyming here, good stuff. :] There's a typo on "vomitting", which should only have one 't', but other than that this stanza was fine. The pace is increasing towards the end of the poem with shorter line lengths/syllable counts, and more monosyllabic lines - this drives the reader onward. The "knife/strife/life" triplet was well-written and helped to increase the speed.

The poem ends on a forceful, emphatic note and leaves the words ringing in the reader's ears. "But she insisted she didn't need any" was perhaps a little disappointing, but overall I enjoyed the last stanza. The final repetition of "one more time" was excellent, and I liked the way you just stated plain and simply that she had killed herself, rather than dragging it out.

A good write overall, thanks for sharing. :) I hope my suggestions are helpful, but feel free to ignore them if you wish - I don't want to dictate to you how you should write your poetry. I really enjoyed reading this, and I'll be checking out brainwashed-angel's gallery next, that's an awesome piece of artwork! Take care. xxx
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:iconacertaineuphoria:
ACertainEuphoria Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
brilliant.... utterly brilliant :clap:
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
why thank you:love:
Reply
:iconbloodykiss666:
bloodyKiss666 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005
Fantastic
:heart:
Reply
:icontinsel-wig:
Tinsel-Wig Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2005   Writer
You have such a gift. :heart:
Reply
:iconjerseymay003:
JerseyMay003 Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2005
nice poem
Reply
:iconbrokenbabe15:
BrokenBabe15 Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2005
wow, so deep and awesome. i would suggest entering into a contest with cash prizes. this is really good.
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you:hug: The contests in canada you have to pay for though, it's retarded...like $3 or $4 per poem....I entered a couple in the states and got them published in an anthology...but they pretty much just ripped me off, I didn't even get a copy of the anthology.
Reply
:iconbrokenbabe15:
BrokenBabe15 Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2005
Yw. omG thats gay. Shit, I'd be pissed, that is a rip off. well better luck to u next time if u want to eter more.
Reply
:iconpurpl3sky:
Purpl3Sky Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2005
Wow. Excellent Poem.
Reply
:iconmnotlikemostguys:
mNotLikeMostGuys Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2005
>standing ovation<
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
:bow::blowkiss:
Reply
:iconvelvetdrusilla:
velvetdrusilla Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2005
Very moving, the last line is great, finishes it off really well!
Reply
:iconskinnylittleschizo:
skinnylittleschizo Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you:heart:
Reply
:icongone4ever:
gone4ever Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2005   Interface Designer
Aww, this is soo true.

Some people arnt aware of how common this is, it's everywhere these days.
You explained it perfectly, Nice Job!
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