I kind of agree with ~milpalabras, there.
a great subject.
a sense of rhythm.
In my opinion, make your lines a bit longer to bring out the rhythm. Think it out more. A great subject, but it seems kinda like only a surface brush on the feelings. Think of some metaphors or analogies.
I'm tellin you this because I see an okay poem that could be excellent.
Work on it! a good beginning!